Obsolete

• Identify all access and egress points
• Identify how to quickly and physically secure these points.  Because your staff obviously won't be panicking and running for cover when dozens of AK-47 bullets are whizzing at them
• Staff must be trained to act effectively and made aware of their responsibilities.  Anyone who does something stupid like play dead in the event of an attack should be fired immediately, even if they died as a result

• Public address system.  The operator should try to remain calm and not alert staff to the fact they may all be about to die
• Dedicated "Lockdown" alarm tone.  Preferably similar to the "all clear" and "fallout" tones that would have sounded after a nuclear attack, and were practically identical.  

• Train all staff using principles of "Stay Safe" (see below)
• Resist the temptation to test staff by asking Muslim employees to grow their beards and raid the premises using toy rifles one wet day in January

• Seriously, fucking run.  Use some common sense though; don't run towards the men with guns
• Insist others leave with you.  If they're gibbering at the prospect of potentially dying, try and slap them out of it.  Drag them if you have to.  You can always use them as a shield if you get spotted
• Leave belongings behind.  That means your iPhone, your man bag and your skinny latte.  Smashing the phone of any halfwit attempting to film the proceedings is not only highly advised, it should be considered mandatory

• If you can't RUN, as you're morbidly obese or pissing yourself at what's happening, then HIDE
• Outside of the line of sight of the gunmen, obviously.  If you can see them, they can probably see your worthless hide
• Be aware of your exits.  As if you and everyone around you wasn't already
• Try not to get trapped
• Lock / barricade yourself in.  Yes, this contradicts the above if the gunmen shoot out the lock or break down the barricade, but at least you tried, eh?

• Everyone on social media what's happening.  Then the BBC, ITV, the press, etc
• Phone 999.  Just to be on the safe side

• Remain calm.  Don't worry that all your friends and colleagues may be bleeding to death, you're safe now
• Avoid sudden movements.  The police will be just as jittery as you, only they'll be as heavily armed as the actual attackers

• Point guns at you
• Grab hold of you
• Shoot you multiple times in the head without warning.  If you're wearing a light denim jacket or are a wookie
• Then ask you questions

• What are your plans if there were an incident?  Don't think you're safe just because you live somewhere like Cockermouth, either.  Forewarned is forearmed
• What are the local plans in the event of a tactical nuclear weapon strike?  Are you aware of the location of the local mass grave?
• Finally, if all else fails
• DUCK and COVER

Labels: mockery, Paris attacks, police, stupidity, terrorism